Dear Drew From Maine


 

Dear Drew,

Being a mainer born and raised in the great state of Maine myself I recently read your article on GQ and I was appalled. You clearly never actually learned what Maine is and was about during your stay up here to attend college. You probably never left your room to go out and explore the great beauty Maine has to offer.

Allow me to actually correct your friggin article with your twisted sense of how Maine actually is.

Our Summers actually last longer than 2 weeks I know I worked outside all summer on a crew for the city of Augusta which is where the capital of our great state of Maine is located along with one undesirable I’ll give you three guesses as to who that is.  On the subject of working outside and in the capital of Maine you might be well aware that heroin is currently a huge problem. Considering that the city hired a bigger police force to start dealing with it, you could definitely say it’s a huge problem. When I started working at the city over the summer we have a pringles can full of needles we collected. By the time I left to go back to college we had safely transferred those to a sharps container and that was at the brim of being full almost to the point of overflowing. My crew one day was clearing a hillside of the brush that was growing and we found around 6 syringes luckily with no needles in them that to me speaks epidemic and our governor yes Paul LePage who might not be the brightest when it comes to his filter for what he should and shouldn’t say. Is goddamn right in saying we have a heroin epidemic that needs to be stopped.   Okay but enough about the heroin and LePage for now but I’m guessing by the end of this post I will actually be able to spell heroin right the first time around without spellcheck telling me it’s spelt wrong.

“It’s too goddamn big.” I think that’s a damn good thing. Sorry that when the states were being created and lines were drawn that the state you hail from aka Maryland got jipped and was only stuck with 12,407 square miles whereas Maine has 35,385 square miles. Come on man we’re only 2.85 times bigger than you is that really something to freak out about I mean look at California it’s 163,696 square miles they’re 13.19 times bigger than you shouldn’t you be picking on them and not us since you apparently love to write about states that are bigger than your own.  But if you want to take population into account how the heck can you fit 5.98 million people into a state that small? I think we Mainers have just the right balance of people to land ratio just about right. So as a suggestion from everyone from gun toting, sticks living, Mainer everywhere I think I can safely say maybe you need to get out of the city and get into the country more often?

now moving on to the next piece of bullshit from you.

“You just follow 95 North forever and then fall into a goddamn black hole.” Maybe you need to look at a goddamn map and follow I95 to where it terminates cause it ain’t a damn black hole or did you not learn how to read a map growing up? but you don’t even have to read a map to figure out where it terminates you numbskull Programmers and IT people have done that job for you with the invention of the internet, PHP, java, c, C++ and a load of thousands of different computer languages and with that they’ve done something wonderful called a Search Engine the one I’ll be focusing on is called Google maybe you’ve heard of it? You just type in your question and then you’ll find answers. I personally didn’t know where it exactly ended in the town of Houlton Maine but I do now thanks to that great service and I can safely say it ends at the Houlton-Woodstock Border Crossing where you can cross over to New Brunswick, Canada. Pretty sure that ain’t a black hole.

let us jump around a bit.

“BANGOR-AH” The hell is a Bangor-ah Bangor isn’t pronounced banger.. and Maine is notable for taking the er and changing it to ah but that shouldn’t be a problem for this maybe you need to take a listen to this?

“The weather. Ever see the sky after a volcano erupts, and the sun has been snuffed out by gigantic plumes of blackness?” Again what the hell are you talking about? we have gorgeous sunsets and yes it rains, it storms I’ve seen the skies go dark but then it becomes light yet again. Are you sure you’ve actually attended a college in Maine? Cause from the way you’re knocking us seems to me that you haven’t.

“One time I drove to school through an ice storm that looked like the handiwork of a Marvel supervillain.” again this seems like absolute bull if it was that bad of an ice storm your college would have shut down school or you could have had the goddamn sense to realize that hmm maybe the weather is that bad I shouldn’t risk driving to school today. Do not blame the weather in Maine for you own ineptitude.

“That accent.” Good keeps you from understanding us when we dis you and your stupid little article. But currently, everyone I have met has laughed at my accent and asked me to pronounce things like car aka cah. Tons of people think it’s a goddamn wonderful accent I think you’re just jealous of our state because we have stuff that your state doesn’t have.

“Towns are 600 miles apart.” Again you clearly need to learn how to read a goddamn map. My town has towns all next to it. Pretty sure they ain’t freaking 600 miles apart. I think you might be confusing your rough average distance from Maryland to Colby College Maine which incidentally is 601 miles. according to this. Feel free to print it you’ll probably need it if we ever allow you back into the state.

I’m too lazy to continue on destroying your article but instead, let’s get down to some fun facts comparing your state to ours. Currently using 2014 statistics because well 2015 isn’t available yet but when they become available I’ll try to remember to update this list.  I honestly don’t care about population differences I could do that damn math out and say for every 100 citizens 1 died blah blah blah that would take too damn long and frankly Drew I don’t think you’re worth that kind of time.

In 2014, Maryland had 578 heroin-related deaths meanwhile Maine had only had 57 YES 57 heroin-related deaths.

we have to go farther back in time for this next one apparently your state is slacking on the uniform crime report for 2014 whereas we have our 2014 report.

but let’s see In 2013 you had 387 homicides and Maine only had 24 homicides 25 if you count the one by negligence. 

A touchy subject, rape: for Maryland found on the same page as above is 1,169 while good old Maine only had 359.

Robberies Maryland 10,082 Maine 335

aggravated assaults Maryland 16,082 Maine 943 All this data is coming from

All this data is coming from  Maryland and Maine

again and again, I could go on and on but I’ll leave you with this Maine’s most dangerous city (Bangor Maine (Maybe the violence is caused by outa staters not pronouncing their city name correctly if I may jest)) was actually stated by The FBI that it is among the nation’s safest cities and yet we have some of the loosest gun laws around  and yet we’re a very safe state.

So Drew instead of calling us a monster, belittling us, lying about us saying we’re not needed why don’t you go do something useful and leave Maine the hell alone. As always we’ll be up here carrying more guns around than foreign countries (about 1,179,585 small arms or about roughly 1 per person.) This puts us on par with Uzbekistan(good luck figuring where that is seeing as you can’t use a map or a search engine) but I’ll tell you it’s in Central Asia a country that has 31 million people 24 times as many in Maine and 5 times larger in land mileage. Our little state has just as many guns as them and we have some of the lowest death rates to guns around 12 in 2013 funny thing about that apparently guns are these big bad things apparently not. Why doesn’t everyone take a page out of Maine’s book and stay educated and take hunters safety and just have some goddamn common sense.

I would invite you up to come enjoy some good old Maine wilderness on maybe a hike up one of our many mountains but after that article, I don’t really think many of us up here would be very welcoming of you. I have so much more that I could write about but this blog post is already getting pretty long it’s over 1500 words I think that might be a new personal record for word length on this site. so with that, I will leave you to think about the lies you wrote and a possible thought of kicking Maryland out of the US due to the above-rated statistics as it is obviously a hazard to us up in our own state minding our own business.

 

From Maine without love.

I’m including some other pieces from Maine writers also in retort to you. 

Maine why we need it

maine vs california the war that crossed a nation